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Real estate humor

submitted by Herman Erminio Petrecca, RE/MAX Centre Realtors, herman@hermopoly.com

When searching for real estate and reading all the descriptions, it can be difficult to decipher the idealistic terms used to describe a property that is far from the image in your mind.

Save yourself time, money and aggravation with a Realtor® that can help you read between the lines!

Here is what the newspaper real estate ads say…and what they really mean:

  •  “Sophisticated city living” – Next to a noisy bar.
  • “Old world charm” – Has some woodwork, needs cleaning.
  • “Contemporary feeling” – Has no woodwork, needs cleaning.
  • “Wide open floor plan” – Previous owner removed supporting walls.
  • “Security system” – Neighbor has a dog.
  • “Needs TLC” – Major structural damage.
  • “Updated kitchen” – Sink no longer overflows.
  • “Motivated real estate seller” – Has been on the market for 14 years.
  • “Convenient location” – Located on or near a busy freeway entrance ramp.
  • “Mint condition” – Someone has spilled a minty mouthwash on the carpet.
  • “Neutral décor” – No murals of nudes, or Elvis, but has brown walls.
  • “Move in condition” – Front door missing.
  • “Cozy” – No room larger than 6×6.
  • “Lower level family room” – Ping Pong table over sewer opening.
  • “Light open spaces” – Many holes in walls and ceiling.
  • “Outstanding” – Painting purple, sticks out like a sore thumb.
  • “A wealth of period features” – Dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit best operated in rubber gloves and hip boots.
  • “Box room” – Suitable for accommodating one or two large cardboard boxes…folded.
  • “Compact” – Tiny.
  • “Country gentleman’s residence” – Has lots of rodents and other such agricultural tenants.
  • “Deceptive appearance” – It looks terrible.
  • “Delightful rural location” – In flight path of nuclear bomber base.
  • “Extensively modernized” – Former owner had a breakdown under the strain.
  • “For the gardening enthusiast” – Grounds that look like a jungle.
  • “Local authority grants available” – Property is about to be condemned.

(Boog, Bob. “Jokes.” Selling Homes 123. N.p., 1 Nov. 2014. Web. 27 Oct. 2016.)